To Michelle-

Dear Michelle-
I have started this letter so many times that I have lost count. At times I have been sad, missing you, well, missing the person I thought you were anyway. Other times I have been hurt, offended, angry, guilty, confused.... You name it. I wanted to send you the lyrics to many songs including which to bury, us or the hatchet, but after learning about how often you talked bad behind my back, everything you said about my own humiliating faults I am so desperately ashamed of that I don't want ANYONE to know about, all the love that I had once had for you is gone. I mean how would you feel if the things you hate most about yourself were put up on display, and you were made a mockery by the closest friend you thought you had? It saddens me that you felt as though you could not be truthful with me and that this was your only choice. It is quite obvious that you did not feel the way I did about our friendship, even though you put up a front that you did. I have prayed about what to say to you for some time now, and the only answer the Lord has given me is that I need to forgive you. In fact, minutes after a prayer for answers, I picked up my bible searching for what Jesus would do and he led me to The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. Matthew 18:21-35. You should read it. That being said, I forgive you Michelle. As much for myself to move on as for you. I certainly wish you the best with your life and pray that you are able to see the wonderful things that God has given you. I am also praying that you once again open your heart to the Lord and let him lead you in all that you do.

God Bless you and yours,
Christy










I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select
you keep the bad but the good you just forget
And even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
When you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened

And all this time I never thought
That all we had would be all for naught

No I don't hate you, don't wanna fight you
Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you
No I don't hate you don't wanna fight you
Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you
Cause you took this too far, too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
Go with your instincts along with some bad advice
This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
You blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
You said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

No I don't hate you, don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you
No I don't hate you, don't want to fight you
Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you

Wisdom always chooses
These black eyes and these bruises
Over the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away
Wisdom always chooses
These black eyes and these bruises
Over the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away

No I don't hate you, don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you
No I don't hate you, don't want to fight you
Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

What happened to us
I heard that it's me we should blame
What happened to us
Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
And know that I don't hate you
And know that I don't want to fight you
And know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...


Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet - By: Relient K

Another month gone....

Time is moving so incredibly fast lately. I blink and a weeks gone by. A WHOLE month(more than that actually) has gone since I last typed here(not that I'm the best at blogging often as you can tell) but what have I done with that month? Not much. I only lost 3 lbs because for 3 weeks I "maintained" my weight. Which totally sucks!!! I've been on and off sick and my stupid dr is a total idiot and even though I KNOW I'm depressed, when I told her that(actually it was the darn PA they keep giving me) she just told me that I was just tired. Um HELLO fatigue is a SYMPTOM of depression! :-P I've been through this before, I know myself! :( I hardly ever get a break from my daily "job" of being mom/wife/housekeeper/laundry-doer/dishwasher/cook/etc. I could go on and on! And of course I am feeling like I only have one person that I can even turn to (besides Jason) and that is when I want to get out to get "me" time. I am really thanful for her, she's an awesome friend, and truly helps me forget my problems for the time being and we just have fun together. I am having issues with my mom. She doesn't even realize it though. I really feel like I can't talk to her anymore about it. I miss MY mom. Who she was BEFORE.... When Isaiah was a baby. When she actually wanted to spend time with me and my kids. Or help me out. Lately it has just been empty promises though. On Christmas she told me that she would take the boys for a whole night and day because of how stressed out and overwhelmed I was feeling(and she knew it) because she had the next week off. Of course not. She didn't see them once during that time. :( I should have known. Jason told me not to get my hopes up, and I just told him "no this time will be different, she KNOWS I need this". But again nothing. She did watch them for a couple hours on Adam's birthday so Jas and I could go to his Christmas party for work(yes it was late) and she's picked Isaiah up probably about once a week to take him to the bus stop(she used to do it daily). And I mean I know she's got her own life and everything, but sometimes even the oldest girls need their moms, and I just feel like the woman that I call "mom" now isn't my mother. Just an old family friend or something. I feel like I barely matter to her. Me, and my boys, are just an after thought. I am going through a really rough time lately and I need my mom. I need her support, and help. And I have asked for help as much as I feel I can, with no answer. I really, REALLY wish my Grandma was still alive. Gosh I miss her...

Anyway now that I've gone on and on, I should get back to cleaning, God knows I've got a ton of work to do. :(

Bad day, bad mama

I've been having a hard time with the kids the past few days. I am sure it's because it's winter and all, but they have been so full of energy all the time and so loud. I have also had to be dealing with them on my own most of the time because Jason's been sick. Then tonight I finally got out for the first time since Thursday, to the YMCA with my best friend for a little me time, which we then went to Martin's and to pick her daughter up. Her husband tagged along to the Y with us as well although he didn't work out at all with us, and just did his own thing. I get home feeling a little better, but as soon as my friend walked out the door I tried talking to Jason, about nothing in particular and he just snapped at me. Something about me being a cheater. I have been married to this man for more than 6 years now and have never ONCE done anything that could even be considered cheating. Most I've "done" is having old guy friends on my myspace and facebook that I don't even talk to! I am so upset. I don't deserve this crap from him. I haven't done anything wrong. At all. I don't deserve this lack of trust. I am so very tired of taking care of him and the kids all the time, rarely having any time left over for myself(unless I stay up way late, and by then I am exhausted so all I get is a few minutes here on the computer). I can take it anymore. I am working my butt off trying to get this weight off, but even with all the extra excersizing and eating healthy it still doesn't want to come off. I want to de-clutterize my house but every day is spent cleaning up random messes and picking up after everyone else just so my house doesn't look horrible. What would you do? I guess that's a pointless question.... no one will ever read this anyway.....

CHRISTMAS!

Oh wow its been forever! Things have been SOOO busy since Isaiah started school. I feel like I barely have time to breath so I apologize for not writing more! JJ got his G-tube November 24th and started having his seizures the same day. He is now on Topamax and Phenobarbitol. They are very good at controlling his seizures (I haven't really seen any since we added the phenobarb). He's such a little lover, and we are still getting used to the timing schedule for the meds and so often he and I are the only ones awake in the late evenings which is extremely nice to get quality one on one time with him with out any one else bugging me. As for me I am doing alright. Pretty stressed right now because of the short amount of time before christmas. I have 8 more scarfs to make and although we are completly done christmas shopping, I am not getting ANY time to wrap the presents! I am terrified that I will have to be up all night christmas eve AGAIN getting the house organized and wrapping presents. As always it's pretty much left up to me 95% of the time! If I could just get them to leave for a while it would be easier. Of course, I just did ALL of our dirty laundry(we had it piled up in our closet! :( and wouldn't you know not even 12 hours after everything was done and put away the boys went into my closet and pulled all the clothes off my shelves. I got that all cleaned up AGAIN(crying the whole time, to no avail). Then today(well I guess with the time it was yesterday) I went into Noah and Adam's room to get Noah's Jammies out and on him and what do you know, there are clothes ALL OVER THEIR FLOOR! They pulled the clothes out of the dresser! I don't even know what to do anymore. I mean COME ON! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! Hello I am on a time crunch as it is! *sigh* it is not only things like this with those 3 that are driving me nuts. What is up with them not listening to me lately?! I mean they were doing SOOO well for a while. Its like they honestly don't want anything for christmas. I am so tempted to give them 1 toy a piece and make sure they SEE that the rest of the toys they would have gotten go to a children's shelter or something like that. I won't be doing that but I am SO tempted to. They make me furious. They have absolutly NO respect for me, my rules or all the hard work I put in to taking care of them and the house! :(Anyway thanks for letting me vent, I really needed to! I guess thats what this blog is for, venting!